Once a cheater always a cheater?

That’s what they say. Sometimes I feel I am that person. I have cheated on loved ones. I have also been in relationships where I didn’t cheat at all.  I struggle to find the true reason behind it. It’s so easy to just say I did it because I was unhappy in my relationship, or I wasn’t completely fulfilled in my relationship. Though some of all that might be true, I want there to me more of a solid reason, something that’s not so cliche. I want to understand what it is about me that makes (has made) me cheat.


Just do it. Why is it always hard for you to write when you want to express? Facing the music? No. Then what? Why is the one thing that helped you release emotion, now that very same thing that prevents you from writing? what gives? what are you scared of?

You know what I hate? what I despise? what i loathe? ….ughh. I can’t do this. this. writing about it. no. I cant. sorry

I love the past but am in love with the present

Being back here brings up so many memories. I’m surprised I even remembered the password to this thing.

You know what I love? I love my past. I loved it. But I am in love with the present.

My ex msg’d me on facebook today. Actually he ‘poked’ me which gave me the excuse to write him. I forget what I *called him on here. It was the guy I cheated on.

A few months back, at a friends birthday party I msg’d him on fb. At that point I had seldomly talked to him; like when I texted him happy birthday.

I was telling a colleague about zack*, and the shit I had done…what all went down. The guy was beautiful. The most beautiful man I have ever dated. Chiseled  features…just gorgeous. There is hot cute and sexy when it comes to guys…then there’s just beautiful. That he was.

I’m in a very reminiscent mood right now. I love what we were, what we had. Til this day I don’t let myself get away from what I did. And even though in the end, his emotional ‘torture’ just about matched my wrong doing, I still can’t forgive myself for it. And til this very day, there isn’t a rhyme or reason for why I cheated. But everything does happen for a reason, as I am *truly with the love of my life.  Just the thought of him brings a smile to my face. He is, what no one has ever been or will ever be for me.

It’s moments like these where I feel I have love for zack, but in no way shape or form could in transpire into something else. My heart only belongs to *ken  the man I’ve been with 2 months shy of a year now. But when I reminisce about zack, It’s a feel good feeling my heart tingles from. As it does when thinking about the time spent with mr abu dhabi, while I was there on a 3 week stint, back 2 years ago.

That one I hold especially close to, because I was the one who “raised his standards” that’s like the biggest compliment any guy can give a girl. and he was sincere about it. that night, walking down the corniche late at night, having the conversation….it was all real. and very in the moment. I’ve taken that comment and have prided myself with that. It’s a true testament of the person I am, and how I come across.

These men, these moments, the memories they also make me smile.  And though life has moved on, and things change, it can never change what was had/shared in that moment in time. And it’s nothing to do with my present now, because unlike the past, my new memories and current memories created with Ken are going to be ever lasting. Not just moments in time.

For me personally, I had a lot to gain from my previous long life lived in terms of relationships and men and experiences and all the tears heart break and heart ache’s. It’s like by the end of it all, I had check marked off all the colors of the rainbow, and knew what combination of colors I really wanted.

I love Ken. He knows it too.  And I know he loves me, which is the best feeling of all.

Control yourself. Take only what you need from it

Wow, talk about taking a Hiatus.

I love that song. I actually just found out the name of it, and who sings it. Reminds me of August long weekend, at the lake, with all the boats anchored, and nothing but sunshine, and feel good vibes.

Kids – MGMT

control yourself, take only what you need from it.

totally applicable to everything. makes you take it and twist form and fit it

I’m seeing a new guy.

it’ s going good.

wow, why do i feel so unmotivated to write? it’s like I feel like I have to pick up where I left off. and I’m just so over the past.

Writing aint what it used to be…

Heart Wrenching

The pain I feel. It’s heart wrenching.

is he actually bi polar?? to believe it, would be to allow an excuse for the reason he is what he is.  he says he’s “self diagnosed as one” says his brother is. runs in the family.

he also said he loved me. wanted to make this work.  that he wanted to marry me. and on and on and on and on and on.

My eyes burn from crying. so much so, that to just tear up again, i physically stop myself. my eyes are just so irritated.  I can’t suffer anymore.

Feels Weird

I havent written in months. and I wasn’t feeling to keen to be writing right now.


It’s like that desires gone.  did I really enjoy blogging or was it more of an “addiction” than anything. All I did was blog. and now? the thought of it’s so not appealing.

I feel like I have to write something though, seeing as how I’m logged on.

….sooo I guess I should update or something.

Well just over 3 months in the making, and zee and I aren’t completely over. just thinking about it’s kinda fucked. like that we’re still in each others lives. so much shit, back and forth went down. a lotta loving, hating, then loving again, then some hating, and now it’s back to…. oh god, i dont even know.

like as it is right now, he thinks we’re back to being a couple. I don’t know how I feel about that. I just have a hard time trusting in what he says. like he’s played that card too many times, and I can’t help but be skeptical.

wow, funny how things work sometimes.

but i’m leaving for europe mid december for 3 months.

to be honest, I just wanna live and let live when im there. I dont want to deal with anything that i’ve left here. thats my whole point in going.  I need to get away.

but if he’s still serious about this, it’s gonna weigh heavy on my mind. not to say I dont want to deal with him, and feel like he’d be cutting into my ‘having fun time’ -not at all, but i dont want to deal with the stress. the worry, the heartache, the pain…. its so damn much to bare, I just cant. dont want to. not while i’m a kadrillion miles away.

like even with friends too. there’s some of them i love and wouldnt hesitate to keep in touch with, but dammit, i need DB time. it needs to be allllllllllll about DB cause fuck, i need it!!! i need to be selfish for once, and get it right.

blogging, just isnt the same anymore…

Not feelin it

I just cant blog like i used to.

I cheated on zee.

we’re over but by some miracle is OK with it, and we’re still friends. but i had a moment today.

I cheated with the guy from the last  post. which im finding is a real douche right about now.

I really dont want to get into it. any of it. it sucks the life out of me.

even writing this is trying. really trying.

The guy wasn’t what broke me and z, my situation with him was.

If he wasn’t in the picture, I’d still feel how I feel about z. I don’t want to get back together.

I feel like I’m in a Heidi&Spencer scenario with this other guy. not that we’re anything.

I’m on holidays. the stampede should be fun!