M.I.A.

This is it! The day has finally arrived!!!!!! I am off to the city and the states for 9 days. whoooooooooooooooooooooooo. thank goodness….  i needed to get out of here. just go on a mini vaca.

I will be back on the 12th

xoxoxoxoxo

=(

My birthday is the only day in the year that i expect to feel special.

I make such a point and go to great lengths to make other people (family and friends) feel special, all i want is that in return.

I don’t expect too much. I just expect for it to be made a big deal. is that too much to ask? And i don’t mean showering me with gifts, but more like showering me with emotion. making me feel special.

You know, the best thing I can say about my birthday today? the best thing that happened?? my dentist got me a cake. a really fucking cool cake though (long story) but i was so shocked, so overjoyed. this guy, who doesn’t know me (personally) went through the trouble of getting a cake made for me. i wanted to cry. couldnt believe it. it was so thoughtful. just the type of thing i like having happen on my birthday.

max, well sure he came over for dinner, but he didn’t get me anything.  that bugged me. and it threw my mood off for the rest of the night. he’s my boyfriend. it’s my BIRTHDAY. make the effort.  even just a card.  i felt sooo shitty about that. and all i could think about was what i would have already done for him if it was his birthday.

birthdays, mine especially are a big deal. a very very big deal.  you only get a day like that to be recognized once a year.  i hate to say it, but i feel like this birthday’s been such a dissapointment. and i hate to compare, but last year when i was with RP…. well i shouldn’t really compare.

i didnt have the heart to ask max if he bought me a gift, so i asked if he had gotten me a card instead. to make a point.  he ended up feeling really shitty about not having gotten me anything. i think he mentioned something about my present not arriving in the mail yet. but i dont know what to believe.   when he was on the verge of tears (well glossy eyed) and obviously upset about not getting me anything, i couldn’t act like it was no big deal. so i didnt say anything back.  it’s like you saying out loud to someone how you feel like such an asshole and them not saying anything back, when really you want them to disagree with you.

i couldn’t give that to max. and honestly, i felt like he didnt deserve it. i was really hurt. i am really hurt.  to make it up to me is all good, but yesterday wasn’t my birthday and tomorrow isn’t my birthday. my birthday is today. right now. and you only get that one chance.

I love how comfortable I am with him.  How open I can be. how surprisingly open I can be -when it comes to certain matters. I’ve never had to try with anyone, the way i’m not trying with him.  i don’t have to, because I don’t need to. to try, is to make myself put forth the effort, but with him it’s all so natural that if i just let things be, they will fall into place.

We shared a lovely night together last night. After getting intimate in bed, we just lied there for what seemed like hours and just talked.  it was so nice.  i learned a few things, stuff i didnt know before. a bit of it was emotional and hard to take. he’s just so thoughtful and caring, so i want to be sure that i do my “part” and make it so, there’s always open communication between us.

he cried last night.  he cried, because he couldn’t stand to see me cry.  there was something about that moment, though that made me feel even that much closer to him. when it gets to that point, i feel like people are at their most vulnerable point. where nothing is kept or held back, and that the real you is all that there is to see.

I don’t remember ever feeling that making an effort to be one with someone was ever worth it.  but with max…. he’s worth every bit of it. 

*************

My pre birthday dinner at his parents place the other day went well. i couldnt believe the amounts of food there was. everything was so delicious.  

Speechless

My baby brought me flowers at work today. and a Pina Colada from Orange Julius ;)  he is super duper!

and i’m about to head out to their place for my birthday dinner.  i’m bringing champagne. actually i’m not. just sparkling apple juice and raspberry juice. they don’t drink.  but i do! i am european…. girls gotta drink but i won’t be there. obviously.

toodle loo!!!!

He really is the best

So my boyfriend decided to spoil me. I accidentally stumbled across my “part 1 of several” birthday presents, the other day when he asked me to get something out of his glove department box. I never noticed the small Coach bag, for it was camouflaged in with the rest of the stuff it was surrounded by. Never noticed, until he pointed it out that is.      I opened the bag and this is what was in it!!!!

Isn’t it pretty??? and it feels sooooo nice too. I love it, i really do. only thing is, I don’t know what to do with it! It’s to short to put in my hair, and it’s not long enough to wear as a belt. so what should i do??? it may appear bigger in the picture, but in reality it’s not that big. not big enough to do anything with. I suppose i could accessorize my bags, and tie it to them, but right now that’s the only idea i’ve got.  so let me know what you suggest.

He got his haircut yesterday, and when he arrived at my house to pick me up he looked like a stud!  the movie (forgetting sarah marshall) was pretty funny. it was the first time i’ve seen him laugh so much in theatres.

have you ever had an A&W rootbeer float??? no?!?!? well you should totally go out and get one!!! I can’t believe that in my entire life, i’ve never had one, up until last night. but you gotta ask for it with hard ice cream. not soft. i couldn’t believe how delicious it was. mmmmm. next time, im gonna ask for like 3 scoops of ice cream. that ice cream in itself is soooo unreal.        their poutine is also mmm mmm good!

So i slept in today. until 10:30. maaaaaaaan did that feel nice. i slept well too. it was beautiful. i woke up to an empty house. excellent. i shouldn’t be sitting on my ass, in my lounge clothes, having yet to take a shower, but i am and it’s rewarding to feel this lazy. it’s been a long time.

Anyways, i’ve got so much i SHOULD be doing. hopefully i’ll get a little fire going inside of me and get something done. but it is saturday after all, and i do work hard all week

end of the week talk

I saw bank boy while at work the other day. We briefly said hello, but couldn’t chat as i was with a customer and he was passing by. When i went on my lunch, i noticed that he was sitting waiting to be seen by a PBO. I didn’t say anything to himthen - he didn’t see my walk by. he was playing with his phone.  When i got upstairs to the lunch room, I called his cell and when he answered i said “quit text messaging!”   he knew who i was instantly.

We chatted and caught up with one another. it’s been so long since we’ve spoken. and it’s not like we do on a regular or even semi regular basis anyways. by my god is the man cute! turns out he bought a house, and its why he was waiting to be seen. to sign some papers.

Now i’ll confess, when i got home that day i added him on facebook. only reason being was because before that day i didnt know what his last name was. but when i saw it on the screen, of the PBO he was seeing, i made a mental note of it.  i searched him on facebook, where….voila! i found him. (seems like everyone uses facebook these days) well my brother is an exception.

turns out he’s back in a relationship with his ex gf. the one he’s been in and out of a relationship with a few times. like three or four. says i should stop by his new house “for a glass of wine” in which i replied “yea? you me and christine was it?”  his gf. ha!  it’s odd though. he had just listed and being in a relationship the very same day i was added on his facebook. coincidence or……  hmmmm.

so i don’t know if i wrote about it, dont think i did but i was able to get the time off i requested, so now max and i are gonna go on a mini holiday!! yay!!! im soooooexcited. how great it will be to fall asleep with him at night, and wake up to him in the mornings. oh yea. pure bliss right there.  we’re gonna also do a few days in the states. bellingham.  we leave on the 3rd of may and come back on the 12th. it’s going to be so great. i have so many things planned that i want to do, include visiting some friends and such.

I’ve seen the book called “the secret” numerous times, whenever passing or in a book store. i’ve never picked it up and read what it was about. but a few weeks ago, my best friend told me about the movie. said it was really good, and that i should check it out. well i never did rent the movie but i bought the book. it was on “sale” for a great price, so i bought it. and besides, it was attractive. it’s a mini version of the original, square in shape hard covered and all.  thing is, i haven’t really gotten that into it. i try, and have tried but… something about it.  maybe it’s just not the right time… or something.

I bought another book that same day; for one more day by mitch albom. so far, and though i haven’t read much i’m preferring it to the secret.

the fishy fish max gave me is doing wonderfully. i changed its water today. it “accidentally” fell out of the container i captured it in, and onto the carpet!! i tried twice to put it back in my hands and into the water but it jumped like mad. i was worried it wasn’t going to make it. but it’s in its fresh water now and swimming around so, so far so good :)  what should i name it? it never had a name before. it’s a beta, maroon in color. and it’s a male.  hmmmm

so glad its friday today! though i did get a day off in the week.

I think max and i are going to watch forgetting about sarah marshall tonight. looks funny!

well kiddies, until next time…. keep fit and have fun!

Reminiscing

May 3rd, a few of my ex coworkers are leaving for up North to spend their 4 month run working at “camp.”

Hard to believe that already 2 years have passed since i’ve worked there. man was that a life experience. truly. I’ve never felt such admiration and astonishment for and at myself and what my true capabilities really were. 

where have those feelings gone?

When you’re literally outside and “taken away” from civilization like that, it’s like you gain a whole new brain filled with whole new perspectives.  but it’s the type of isolation you’re in that’s beautiful, breathtaking. mother nature at it’s purest; it’s finest. the water, the miles and miles of infinity stretched waters, and surrounding trees and islands. paradise at it’s most natural form. the wildlife; whales -killer, hump backs and greys, to the eagles, and the different types and sizes of fish you might never see.  everything is right there at your finger tips.

I miss that. I really do. that serenity.  you always hear people talk about how they could never live without their cell phones, and computers and such but once out in a setting like that, all is forgotten about and realized that infact that is possible. i’m proof, because i’ve done it.

I always frowned, at how quick and easy it was, to fall right back into the routine of an every day life, after returning from camp.  i learned to live the total opposite type of life i lived before going there, but when i returned, it was so easy to fall back into the “bad” life i lived before leaving.

I’m so glad i’ve gotten to experience and do the many things i’ve been able to throughout my life this far.  and in that bulk of 4 years, i’m glad i went through the many ups (and downs) that i did, so i can now look back on those times and glad i’ve “been there done that” and no longer have to deal with it in the present. all it’s like all the crap i’ve dealt with back then happened for a reason. and i’m glad for that.

Big fight, and the little things

How about that UFC fight last night?????? such a goooooood good fight. and how about that body on GSP?!?!?! H.E.L.L.O!!!! 26 years old, so young and with so much talent. I think in the end, why I loved that fight so much was Serra’s and GSP’s sportsmanship. They exuded so much class, it was ridiculous. I love seeing that. two grown men, acting and being just that - two grown men.
It was funny, when Serra was poking a bit fun of fun at himself, saying how he “was always this ugly, so don’t sweat it” when what damage was done by GSP, was clearly visible on his face.  Though he lost, he lost with such…. such excellence. And that really made me respect him that much more.

Three of B’s friends showed up later that evening. All of them black. Now…. black guys and i….. I have friends who are black, have dated a few black guys, and in general, can’t help but notice them.  these guys…. their “swagger” (ha!) is just too impossible to not notice.  and because my ex Rp was black, and max knows that black guys intrigue me i couldn’t help but feel like i had to um, show max a bit more love if you will. 

There i was in the middle of like 9 guys. how was max supposed to feel?? So i made the effort. but i can’t lie… the one dude… i couldn’t help but notice him.   later, in the car when we were leaving for the club, i made sure to make it a point, and talk to max about that. i just basically asked if he felt any different, or if he noticed any difference in me, when those guys were around. and the answer -just as i thought was no. 

i knew how it may or may not have made max feel, so i was sure, to always “do what i do” when with him anyways, only just a tad bit more when in front of others he may or may not feel threatened by.

OH!  how could i forget…..

so we were sitting at a table, just the two of us at the bar. this random super drunk guy comes up and makes small talk. whatever. he shakes max’s hand and when he went to go and shake mine, i gave him my index finger - didn’t wanna stick my whole hand into his. it was loud, and the angle max was sitting at wasn’t the best to see what was really going on,  so when all he heard me say was ” no no” he fucking got up and - the rest happened so fast i can’t even remember.

holy shit, my man was about to break this guys face, and i did not want it to happen. so im in the middle of the two, trying to calm them down, little ol me here and pushing the drunk guy back and trying to calm him down, saying “hey man, it’s all good, just a little misunderstanding, let’s go come on…”

then, the whole crew we were with  (all guys) noticed this, and then  they jump on the bandwagon, yelling and screaming, threatening to do whatever.  holy jesus.  all i wanted, was the whole incident to end without any punches.  luckily, that was the result. but there i was trying to back up one of the guys we were with cause when he’s in a rage, he wants to fight.

I understand where max was coming from, getting upset like that.  even though the guy didn’t do anything, i’ve got to see it from max’s perspective.  but the whole situation was unfortunate.  i’m not good with fights. i get all nervous and shaky. which i was.

you’d never notice it in max, but if he’d ever want to break somebody he could. you would just never ever guess it. he’s a small guy. small but tough.

What is up with all this….

SNOW!! yeaaaaaa snow in april. and lots of it.  it better go as fast as it came!

So I was successful in getting time off work, for max and i’s road trip. Ooooooooooooooh YEAH! sooo stoked. i can’t wait can’t wait can’t wait!!!!!! to wake up to him in the mornings, and fall asleep with him at night. oh yes. how great it will be.        I can’t wait to show him around my old neighborhood, where i worked, my favorite places to eat, where i went to school …..  i can’t wait to see PB!!!! i dont care to see anyone else, but him.  max has already heard soooo much about him, and he’s excited to meet him.

PB and i go back, oh shit.. 4 years??? our college days. thing is, he wasn’t in my class. he was in the one that started before mine. and its so crazy because i remember seeing him around campus. he stood out…. his style…. he was captivating. i don’t remember how we began talking, but we did which ended up creating this great friendship between the two of us.

I feel bad, because usually every saturdays i go and visit max on his lunch our. but today… im just so lazy. and besides, i’ve done pretty well in the past. i think the last 2 or 3 saturdays, i’ve made it up to his work to visit him. can’t be super girlfriend all the time. though i know when i do show up, he appreciates it a lot.

oooh i wish the 3rd would hurry up and roll around the corner.

i wonder how my birthday will be this year? lame? or….???  i wonder what he’s got planned. maybe not much, seeing as how his initial plans fell through.  it’ll be fine, if it’s just the two of us out for dinner.  sucks not having any of  my close friends living here to help celebrate though.      i remember last year, my birthday….. i was seeing RP then. we spent the day in k town, then went back to his parents place in the evening for cake. it was nice, and fairly memorable.  Rp…..

he and i don’t talk anymore. last i saw him was that night, of buddies birthday, back a month ago.   I don’t think of him though. like i dont wonder what he’s up to. and i think it’s largely due to the fact, that i was right in my decesion of breaking it off with him when i did. i dont have regrets. and i dont ever sit here and wonder about him… the way i would if i had any doubt of if what i did was the right thing.   i’m happy with max, and just in the comparison between the two of them, and myself being in a relationship with them, i see how much better off i am with someone like max.

every now and then, when rp will update photo’s of him and his gf, i’ll look at them and genuinely hope he’s really happy. but then i think of his gf and cant help but feel bad for her, because i dont know if rp can really be all about a serious relationship anytime soon. i dont know, so many things that factor into what i just said, but it’d suck if she was “living a lie” so to speak by being with him.

oh i got my period. that’s good.

i watch this soap show everyday on my lunch hour, which the ladies at work got me hooked on - days of our lives.  anyway, this character, lilly is pregnant. and she’s keeping the baby. but the whole story about discovering you’re pregnant and all that changes, everything you have to think about and consider….. just totally made me think twice about having unprotected sex.

if i ever became pregnant, i don’t know what i’d do. but i dont know if i could ever consider an abortion.  i’ve always looked at pregnancy as something like, well i’ve done it, so now i gotta own up to it.  if it’s my fault, and my own stupidity that’s created this, why should i turn it around and put an end to it.             but i say that now, but of course, so many other factors come into play when that moment arises. but i have a hard time using the “excuse” of im no position to be a mother etc etc.  for me, i’d also say to myself “yea but you only did this to yourself”    no one   i just dont forget im having unprotected sex, when i’m having unprotected sex. ya know? i know what i’m doing. and if ever i get pregnant because of that, it’s not like i can’t say to myself “well i told ya so”

al this pregancy talk is killing me…….

Weekend Summary

The phantom of the opera ballet saturday night, wasn’t that bad.  I want to experience and try new things, as much as i can, which is why i wanted to check it out. it was pretty long - two hours.  after about an hour, i started to get a bit restless. I was good for the first part, but during the second, it was beginning to take it’s toll on me. but they put on a good show. 

we sat front row, so it was really great to be able to see them that close, and really experience the raw emotion of the performance.  a few of the dancers really stood out to me.  her lines were straight, her poise pericise, and the flow of her movements perfect.  my eyes just couldnt escape her. out of her fellow 7 dancers, she’s the one that stood out the most.  she was really captivating.

Max, the good sport really didn’t take a liking to it at all. It was boring for him. but he too wants to dabble into the lifestyle of trying out new things and experiences. but he’ll never again go to another ballet. well, in the near future anyway

We met up with his two cousins, and their “spouses” earlier today in k town for breakfast. what i loved, was that all of us (3 couples) were all interracial. his one cousins gf is white, and his other cousins boyfriend is dark, then there’s me and max. his cousin - the girl - is expecting and is due next month; she’s going to have the cutest baby!    I had a lot of fun with them today. we hit the mall afterwards for some shopping, then went our separate ways.

Tomorrow im going to ask the boss for time off. If you asked me if i thought she’d give it to me, a while back  my answer would have been most definitely. but since i’ve been feeling this odd vibe from her, i’m not so sure.

I’m excited for our trip though! it’s all i keep thinking about. i even made a list of things i’d like to to in the city, things max would like to do and things we’d both like to do. haha yes i am a dork! it’ll just be so much fun. and i get to visit some old friends, i haven’t seen since i moved out of the city as well. so i’m very much looking forward to it all.

I’m thinking about buying something sexy to wear to surprise max with. just because.  i figured the smart thing to do, would just get all my waxing done before we leave - this way it’ll last longer, and i wont have to be so on top of the whole keeping up thing.  you know….

Which are you?

It’s another gorgeous day out today. I need to hit up winners, the bank and maybe go have lunch with max.  He ended up booking that week off, after my birthday. Now all I gotta do is ask my boss for that same time off. I should get it. Really, there’s no reason as to why I shouldn’t. The other lady that got hired just before me, has already taken 2 weeks off total, so I’m gonna raise some hell, if I get told no.

So max and I have this ballet to watch this evening, and when we met up with his cousin downtown yesterday, we arranged to all get together for breakfast in k town sundaymorning.  The last time we tried to make plans with his cousin and his g/f  they had to cancel, because the girl “had allergies” give me a fucking break! but apparently, -and from what all the guys say about this chick - she’s like that. she doesnt like going out, socializing and she doesn’t like her man doing it either. apparently, rob (the cousin) has pretty much had his social life taken away ever since he’s been with his woman. now that aint right.

I met this girl before, and though she’s like a year older than I am, she looks reaaaaally old. it’s odd. and she doesn’t seem like she’d be the friendly type right off the bat. but, we’ll see how it goes tomorrow…

What would you rather be? a softy and a push over, or a toughie and stand-your-ground type of person??

I ask this, because for the most part, I see max as the softy, and myself…. well…. a toughie in comparison  to him.   Did you know, that one time, while taking out cash at the ATM max got a fake one hundred dollar bill. so instead of getting a replacement for it, he didn’t and made himself short a hundred bucks!!! shit like that doesn’t make sense to me! like why in the world, would someone do that? “it’s just money?” uh no i dont think so. I don’t, I really don’t understand peoples logic when it comes to that sort of thing.  
If that were me, why would i want to short myself out of money that is mine?? like really.

And just little things max won’t do, that i think he should that really gets me. I don’t get harsh upset about it, but i question him all the time, when it comes to him doing things, i know most people would do.

At a restaurant… now if someone messes up on my order (in a small way) sometimes i’ll let it slide. but if they brought me the wrong type of fries, and i’m craving the other ones, i’m gonna ask them to correct my order. and thing is, it’s as easy as asking for a glass of water. there’s no need to be all hostile and upset about something like that right? right. but yet….. like this poor guy gets all the bad luck….. there have been a few times, where some waitress forgot his (one of many) orders and it’d be something that he’s been craving all day. when i tell him he should just inform her that she forgot his order, he’s all like “nah, it’s ok” but then it bugs me,  because it was something he really wanted! he’s just so nonchalant over stuff like that, and because i’m not like that, it’s hard to see people who are. well, just him.

A while ago, when we were entering the theatre to go watch a movie, I held the door open for this little punk. and when he didn’t say thank you, I made sure to raise my voice loud enough so he could hear and said “you’re welcome!” little shit! max couldn’t believe it and was probably thinking “holy shit” I knew then, that what i just did, he’d never think to do.  but really…. i mean come on. where are peoples manners? fuck!  i probably seem like i’m getting really hot headed over this, i’m really not, but i’m just stressing my point.

Anyway, I’m not some cruella deville but it’s like when shit needs to be spoken for, or get done i’m usually the one to get on it.

I think I definitely inherited my fathers personality. He’s a no-bullshit type of guy himself.

It was all a dream

I remember crying hard. really hard. like when your whole body clenches, because what you’re feeling emotionally is too much to bare. it felt so real. so so real. he’d do things like kiss his ex gf in front of me, like it was no big deal. we were fighting and on the verge of breaking up. how i felt then, was exactly how it would feel had it been happening for real.

i woke up this morning and just thought “holy shit, that was one of the worst dreams i’ve had in a long time.”  i didn’t like how it made me feel. it struck some sort of temporary panic in me. it was all so very odd.

i texted him this morning, telling him about this awful dream. he was sweet and called back, being all cute and caring.  but still… what the eff was up with that dream?!!?!?

I’m feeling this “off” vibe from my boss. I don’t know what it is. But I don’t think it’s has anything to do with me personally - for the most part?  Maybe she’s having issues at home? But as of late she just hasn’t been the same. something is up, for sure. I wonder what it could be?

I have all the pre symptom signs that i get when im about to get my period, and i hope i end up getting it. max and i haven’t been the safest when it comes to sex. and yes, i know the pull out method doesn’t count as being safe….

the other day, i dont think i’ve been as sexually frustrated as i was, that day with max.  i wanted sooo bad to come, but everytime i was about to, he’d feel like he had to. and of course, us being the idiots we are, would have to stop and take a break, because we didn’t want anything swimming up stream.  but MAN was i frustrated! like holy shit, talk about experiencing that for the first time. i was almost mad like. no not crazy, just mad. upset, angry.   that is a shitty ass feeling and two halves if i do say so myself!

oh max bought me a toy hey? hahaha yea! it hasn’t come in the mail yet, but i’m kinda excited for it!  http://www.deepmemories.com/iVibe-Pocket-Rocket_p_40.html  i asked for one in Grape :)  it’s small, compact and looks pretty interesting!! only thing is, it’s not intended for internal use. but maybe that won’t make a difference to me.

Unusual but I’ll take it

We had a guy spend all day today at my work, cleaning our computers.   Now, i’m a nice person in general, and not all that shy, so when I walked in this morning, and saw this stranger I greeted him with a smile and said good morning. no big thing right? i’m sure someone else would have done the same thing.

For the entire morning, while I was dealing with clients, he was working at the wicket right beside me.  he was within ear shot of the types of conversations i’d have with customers, how i’d greet them etc.

After lunch, when i went in the back room to get something done, he was working away on a machine. so i just asked “how’s it going so far?” he replied fine, and then said something which i didn’t quite catch. and i don’t remember exactly how he worded it, but it was something along the lines of him saying he was going to “pay me a compliment.”  and you know what he said? know what the compliment was?

“You have a nice aura about yourself”

that’s what he said. how interesting. then he goes to say “i dont know if you follow that kind of stuff….”  which being the queen of non-awkwardness replied “you know i don’t, but i believe in it.”   didn’t know how to quite respond to that compliment, so that was the first thing i came up with.

For a moment I found myself taking a bit of pride in what he had just said. It meant to me, that from whatever he was judging me by, that he was able to see the type of person i really am. the same type of person i know myself to be. it was nice. a little unusual - the most unusual compliment i’ve ever received- but i’ll take it. =)

*****

4 co-workers and i went door to door canvassing on behalf of the Canadian Cancer Society. i must admit, driving down to the meeting place, i was slightly regretting ever having signed up for this whole thing. i was tired from work, and did not want to go walking (in my HEELS at that!) door to door for an hour and a half asking people to donate money; something they’d probably refuse to do.  though many did not donate and some did, it was a decent experience. 

Though if you ask me, a cure for cancer already exists, and how sad it is, to see people raising billions of dollars for research that’s already found. That’s if you ask me….

It was a hit!!

So I never did meet the rest of max’s family that night (refer to post below)  turns out, his grandfather was ill, so the dinner was cancelled.

Today however, was his sisters birthday, so we all went out to eat. It was just max, his parents, two siblings and myself. It was a good dinner, and everyone had a great time. all the while, during dinner i was thinking about how i would sneak and give the waitress my visa to pay for the bill.  the perfect opportunity presented itself, when our waitress was clearing a table, just beside us. i discreetly went into my purse, and pulled out my visa. then i waited about 3 minutes, before i just got up and walked towards her. i just said “when they ask for their bill, can you just run this through?”

when i sat back down, i was pretty sure no one caught on to what just happened. sure enough, about 10 minutes later, the waitress is clearing our table, and asks if we’re ready for the bill.  when she brought it, i grabbed it, and proceeded to sign away - only thing is his father (and everyone else for that matter) didn’t realize that i had already given her my card! they tried to fight it of course, and his dad actually had the bill in his hand, but because it was already processed there was little he could do. i kept reassuring him, that it was “my treat” and that he could get the bill “next time.”  he was a bit reluctant, but finally gave up

They appreciated the gesture, but really i did it because, well …. just kind of as a thanks? max has done the same thing for my family, so why not do something for his too?  when its something i feel good about, and want to do, it doesn’t matter what the cost is. though i knew, -there being 5 of us in total- it wasn’t going to be cheap, with appetizers ordered, etc. but i totally didn’t mind. i appreciated the fact that they invited me to “sit it” on this special occasion.

His sister loved her gifts by the way. and the card was a hit with the entire family!! it was so great to see.  his family is really great.  and i kind of like that his siblings are younger. it’s just different.

So max and i are thinking about going on a trip a week after my birthday, for a week up island. kinda excited. it would be nice to get away, just the two of us. visit some family and friends. so i’m looking forward to that.

Too bad tomorrow isn’t friday.  but, because it’s not i still have to get up early for work tomorrow.

G’night!

I’m Nervous!

Just a tad.

ew, first of all let me say how much i dislike wordpress’ new “change” it looks uuuuuuugly!! i hate it!!! please bring the original set up back!

so anyways….

i am invited to a large dinner today with max and his family. it’s an early birthday dinner they’re having for his sister. his whole family plus his grandparents and aunt and uncle are gonna be there! ah! intimidating!! i just don’t know what to think… i mean… i really dont know what the old school generation part of his family is gonna think about some white girl being amongst them.  max’s dad is quieter than the rest, but his sister and mother take a liking to me. though his dad did tell the mother that he thinks i am a “nice girl”

His sisters b day is later next week, so when max and i were at walmart last night i stocked up on birthday gifts! i love birthdays. i love shopping for others.  i was so stoked shopping for her… it’s her b day. a big deal… so i wanted to go all out.         it was so much fun really, looking for things to get her.  i ended up getting her….

1. the save the last dance 2 dvd (she loves dance!)
2. the step up cd sountrack
3. this cute plush panda toy, cause apparently she looooves pandas!
4. one of those new covergirl wetslick fruit lip gloss thingies (you know, the kind rihanna advertises for)
5. the coolest card ever, that when you open it, that hamster song starts to play. you know the one?? “dee-dee-dee-dee-da-dough-da-dough-dough….  - which apparently she’s known to sing from time to time at home.

then of course, just a gift bag and some wrapping paper.   i can’t wait to give it to her.

(seriously, this new change on wordpress is killin me!)

I heart my boyfriend

I was having a shitty day at work today, so on my lunch hour, i texted him to tell him so. and just because i was feeling shitty and missing him.

when i got home from work today, i was really craving sushi so i called him up to see if he was down. he said that he’d swing by to pick me up after “doing a few things.” i didn’t think much of it.

sushi reaaaaaally hit the spot, and it was all so delicious, like always. we stopped at a few stores, and on his way to pick up his sister from dance, he reached behind my seat and pulled out a gift for me! and with it was a card.  he’s not a card guy and has never bought a card for anyone, ever. but he got me one awe. and it was so cute.  oh, and the gift he got me? a dvd of one of my top favorite movies, stomp the yard!!!! the dancing is soooo killer in it.  i never care for the story line in any of those dancing flicks.

how weird is that going to be, being 30 years old later in life, and still liking the stuff i’m into now. some things will never change i guess.

What’s your #?

I haven’t written in over a week, yet i have some posts i’ve written-and-saved from then to now, that i have yet to post. however, right now i want to discuss the number of people you’ve had sex with. i won’t reveal mine, but lets just say it’s not angelic like. but then again, it’s not like i’m at anywhere near 100! or 50 for that matter.

I have had my fair share of sexual partners, this is true. therefore, i have had a lot of sexual experience.  i was 19 when i lost my virginity. but my first time was a bad experience. and i think because of that, is why my numbers escalated.

my number would be a bit lower, had some of those guys not had been one night stands.  i remember this one guy, this one black guy…. he was the hugest mother fucker i had ever seen, and have ever seen. though my good friend, we’ll call him papi - a latino, is in a close second. his penis is just thick. didn’t know they came like that. i was seriously anxious, thinking about what pain that would cause me when it came time to put it in.   with him, i always brought out my kinky side.  he will never let me live this one particular night down. i was just going to town on him, in every way i could think of.  i did some pretty gnarly things, and he was just floored. he’ll bring it up from time to time and bug me about it.

you know it’s kind of a shame that my better male friends i have, i’ve all pretty much have slept with. some of them have girlfriends now, but if ever we’re in the city max and i, i’d like to visit them. max of course has no idea i’ve slept with them.  who knows what he’d feel if he found that out.

speaking of max, we’re getting pretty good at having sex in his car. two days ago, we got busted by some custodian in a van, in the school parking lot. that was  a rush!! he can’t get over how much of a freak i am. thing is, i haven’t really done anything to show him what i can really do, yet. but of course any and everything is gonna be considered freaky by him, cause he’s never known anything else. my little babe….he’s so friggin adorable.

Brownies?

Have you ever had “special brownies?” well neither have i, up until last saturday. I’ve smoked weed before, but have never “ate” it. Well on saturday while at max’s friends we all had some.  though the things were tiny, you could say they packed a punch.

i didn’t feel anything for what felt like forever. then all of a sudden, while out at the club, i felt my toes tingle. it was starting to kick in.  i had a few drinks, like 3 that night but it probably didnt help that i had one or two more when we got back to his friends place, and that i had two hoots of a joint they lit up. 

man, i will never forget how i felt that night. it just gave me this crazy…. i dont know how to explain it. but everything in my mind was sharp. i found myself making more sense than ever. i became brilliant in the things i thought about. i know i know, sounds insane, but this is how it went for me. but some things were so fucked up. i swear that that conversations taking place that night, were already ones had just a few days before. it got to the point where what the one guy was saying, i already knew what was coming out of his mouth. serious!!       oh, and then i started getting this gnarly feeling that my teeth….. oh it was so fucked up. my teeth were….  man i can’t even explain it. but i had to keep biting down on something, to stop this crazy sensation  i was feeling. i remember biting down on my thumb, trying to make this thing go away, then biting on the tip of the bottle i was drinking out of. i had never felt that sensation before. it was seriously such an experience.

then i remember going hard, playing rockband singing like i was in the fight of my life. haha, that was fun.

what’s hard is taking care of someone while you’re in such a stone like that. poor max got sick. he’s a lightweight in general, so that mixture he had that night didn’t do him any good. he ended up crashing at his friends place, cause he was just so out of it.

Hate when that happens!

I had a huge post typed out and ready to post, only my stupid computer froze, resulting in a loss of everything i had up on screen. oooooooooh that pisses me off when that happens.

anyways, in short, i made up with max, and bought him this cute ty beanie which is just adorable. http://www.dogstuff.com/rootbeerthepugbeaniebaby-p-24196.html

In no mood to give a shit how this looks to you

Tonight, max and i were discussing my birthday. he asked me to list 5 of my best friends. he already knew of my best friend jen, cause i talk about her (or have talked about her) quite a bit. he asked if she was on my facebook, i told him yes. then gave him the name in which she could be found. i already knew he would message her and begin planning something for my birthday. but what i didnt expect was for them to have added one another on MSN and start chatting from there.

When i found this out, i was upset.  i really was.  upset like “what the fuck, i can’t believe this!” i was in shock basically.  couldn’t believe it was happening to me type of thing.  at first when he told me, i was like are you serious? the guy, thinking all was good, was toying with me a bit, playfully thinking all is good. then he soon got the message, like ‘oh shit, something is wrong’        i REALLY tried to be rational about the whole thing but it was so fucking hard!  i managed to get in the conversation, that though he didn’t do anything wrong that i was still upset about it all. he will never understand why, and i could never explain to him why. but ooooooooh did it ever get under my skin.  i just really fucking hate it, and it’s still there, hanging over my head, bothering me.

like why??? i mean yea, to talk and message on facebook, yea sure no problem, but to msn chat??? no no no!! that is different. i don’t like that. makes me uncomfortable for reasons, i wish to never share with him.  or to write on here.        am i even ready for this??  this could bring me to the verge of tears.  fuck!!! i never had to really “deal” with this…. these kinds of emotions. i’ve always just put it past me.

jen…..   what i will say is that in every relationship i have been in, she has in some way been involved. sometimes for the good, other times not so much. and i dont know…with max….  i just feel like now it’s been tainted. whatever “it” is, and i’m pissed about it. like i wanna punch someone. i don’t like it. it upsets me, and i fucking hate that it ever happened.  UGH i can’t shake it!!! and it’s really hard for me to shake whatevers bothering me. it doesn’t just go away.

i have this unspoken thing with jen. i love her to death, but things are great for when they are on the “safe” side, and i don’t feel threatened in any way. and no, not to imply anything to do with her and max, not in the slightest, but threatened in so many different ways that at times i cant even comprehend.

i asked max to delete and block her. i dont want them talking to each other.  i’d just feel so much at ease if thats how it were to be.  and i hate that max probably feels bad and that he did something horrible, but at the same time cant help but feel the way i do.  unless, he and i are in her presence there is no reason to be speaking to her. none.  and though this was all started because of me (him wanting to plan something for my b-day) i can’t help but to not care. because it still happened.

I just feel anger right now. not in a raging way, but in a hurtful, disappointed one.  just like “fuck!!! fuuuuuuuuck!”  i can’t help it. and just the fact that it took place, is something i can’t go and un-do which makes me just  pissed even more.

I can’t fucking get over it.

Son of a FUCKING fuckity fuck fuckin bitch!!

UGH!!!